As the anniversary of losing our dear Kev loomed, I wondered how deep the pit of mourning would become as I recalled the anguish of allwoing his life to end.  But in the event we had a very lucky break, after a chance meeting at a party.  A man with a Jack Russell was also invited, and of course I could not resist getting to know the cute animal.  It turns out that he adopted the dog, Trixie, a couple of months ago but he had plans to travel to Belfast for Christmas.  The procedures for taking an animal across the water are long and convoluted, and Trixie did not possess a pet passport.  I could not resist offering to care for Trixie over the holiday, and she arrived on 16th December.  As she sat by my desk and I looked at the photos of Kev on my custom mouse pads the pain was just a little bit less than it has been through the whole year.

One of the hardest parts of losing your dog is seeing other dogs that resemble him. Yesterday I was startled  by a Kev lookalike who came walking around a corner near the local shops.  I thought I knew most of the dogs in our locality, but not this one. Kev was a crossbreed, sometimes called a mongrel – we never insulted our noble boy with that name! His gorgeous rich black and tan colouring is a strong trait in many crossbreed dogs, and it can be very beautiful.  Today I saw this picture from one of my Twitter followers, called Dondogs. His puppy is carrying a pig’s ear home from the shops.  The resemblance between this puppy and my dear Kev is quite striking. The other pic shows Kev scavenging a burger in the street – he always sniffed discarded food out faster than we could spot it!  Guess I will have to seeing ghosts….

The feelings of loss since Kev died are immensely painful, and they change every day.  At the beginning there was a feeling that he would just walk into the room again as if nothing had happened.  Whenever we were engaged in a mundane task, like cleaning the kitchen, it was easy to imagine that you could see him in peripheral vision.  After we scattered his ashes there was some consolation: I could visualise him lying there peacefully under the tree on his side, the way that I last saw him.  Now, after six weeks, it hurts more to remember him.  Maybe this feeling will pass – I sincerely hope so.

In order to numb my brain I tend to browse online auctions for longer than normal.

At least we are not alone – I met a friend last week who had to prepare to take her pet to be euthanised the following day. There is no worse feeling that I have known. The build up to the day was unbearable, even though I knew he was suffering. The saying is true – “the pain of loss that is so much greater than the joy of possession”.

But I still hope to get another dog in future: when there are so many animals who need a loving home, how could I not adopt?

Part of the necessary euipment could include dehumidifiers for those little accidents .. there, I am tearful again!

On Saturday we made the sad journey to the Vet’s to collect dear Kev’s ashes. If such a sad task can be said to ‘go well’, then this one did. Our Veterinary nurse gave us the little box in a private room, and had even brought some biscuits in case our blood sugar levels needed a lift – as long as it was not a weight loss pill. There was also a certificate verifying that the box contained Kev’s remains only. We took the box and went to collect my Mum, who also wanted to come along for the scattering. The place we chose is the local churchyard. Since we moved here permanently Kevin had been unwell and there was no single ’special walk’ that we wanted to commemorate. The position was different in London, where Kev spent many happy hours roaming around in the grounds of Alexandra Palace.

I am sorry to have to write this but Kevin is very ill at present. His chronic ear infection has worsened suddenly over the past five days and we took him to the vet. We know already that the deep infection would require a very involved operation, cutting into the skull and we ruled that out long ago. Kevin has an irregular heartbeat that has worsened as time progressed, and he has now developed kidney problems. He drinks a huge amount, meaning that he has to go outside to pee every two hours during the day.
What has happened recently is that the infection has appearedas a swelling outside Kevin’s ear, just below the ear lobe. It really looks like a separate infection outside the ear, but our vet says this is an extension of the deep ear infection that has continued for so long. For Kev, this resulted in a loss of balance so he was walking (staggering) along and falling over – it is heartbreaking!